i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
