Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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