Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
