hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
