i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
