I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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