Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
