Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize