is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
