I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
