oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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