hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize