he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
