everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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