dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I intend to get homeless drunk
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's rum buckets o'clock
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
