She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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