Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
