Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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