Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
