mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
