Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
