I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
