ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
