You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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