I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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