porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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