I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
