We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
