some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
