i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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