Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
