well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
