"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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