i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Im part way to drunk.
i think i just lost a toe
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
