I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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