So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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