I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize