All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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