Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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