There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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