He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
