I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
