we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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