That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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