he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
