My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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