When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
