Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
