I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
