He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize