His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
