we made out on top of his cat.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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