I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Never underestimate the power of titties
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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