someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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