the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
