the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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