Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
