So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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