Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
