I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
